lor ilirerwen tiel…

(just gonna warn you ahead of time, this is a long one… it’s something i prayed a few weeks ago… i hope at least one person makes it to the end and understands so that it will have been worth all the time i put into it.)

so, in that episode of Stargate (7.13, “Grace”)… usually it’s Daniel that’s being me, but this time it was Sam…  i essentially watched Jacob and Jack rip my heart out and show it to me so i could see what was really in it, considering i’ve been refusing to admit it.  admit what?  that i truly, deep down, in the tiniest, lowest, darkest little corner at the very bottom of my heart, haven’t really actually given up on the idea of loving a man who loves me equally in return.  

but i feel like i’m supposed to have given up, and i don’t know why.  but then it could be that because You’ve been showing me who and what i truly am, and what my purpose has grown to become, that i grabbed onto that last little ember before it completely burned out and tried to bring it back to life solely on some wisp of fleeting confidence.  after all the things i let go after the events of the past few years of my life, for some reason that only You know, this is one thing that lingered.  after all that’s changed, and so quickly after things began to come back into order, this one seems to have taken the longest.  

i admit, here’s my confession: i felt proud of myself for having let it go… allegedly… and i almost bragged about it, especially in front of Seathriel and Yanweriel when they were discussing the subject extensively.  and i even have to admit to You that i wanted Yanwerion to hear me say that, “i don’t give a flying hoot,” so that he would know that i wasn’t “one of those girls.”  not that i wanted anything to do with him that way, but i just wanted to know that at least one other human knew that this was how i felt and how i thought.  

well, You just pulled that ember out of the dark, and i see it clearly now.  i confess… it’s still there, still burning, though dying and flickering out.  but what i don’t know is what You’re going to do with it.  are You going to put it out once and for all, or are You going to bring it back to life and set it burning again?  i confess again… i don’t want it to die.  there, i said it, i don’t want it to be gone.  BUT!!  i don’t wanna go through this again.  in fact, i refuse.  i refuse to put myself out there and be hurt again.  i have no reason on Your green earth to believe that i won’t be hurt and rejected again.  i’ve never in my life seen love end in anything other than pain, and i’ve never loved without pain in return.  and i refuse to do that again.  now i’m not trying to be sacrilegious or disrespectful towards You in any way, but if You can’t guarantee me that bringing it back to life will not burn me, then i want You to put it out.  and at this point, i already know i’ll be hurt either way, so it doesn’t matter.

i’m asking You now, please… i’m worn.  i’m jaded.  i’m scarred.  i’m calloused.  and if i have to be hurt one more time, i’ll be dead.  and i don’t wanna die.  not again.  i died once already, and if i have to die again, i’m afraid that i’m not gonna come back this time.  i’ve seen what You’re making of me, and i want it more than anything… even this… and if this has to go by the wayside so that i can be what You showed me i’ll be, then so be it.  wow.  words i’d never have imagined in a million years that i’d hear myself say.  but i’m not who i used to be.  and who i am now means it with everything in me.  please, i beg of You… either make it work or make it end.  please, make a way or take it away… because i’m done.  i’m through.  it’s gotta work or it’s over.

i feel You removing the jade and breaking away the callouses that came back with me… but i fear that if you leave me to die again, it won’t come off next time, and it will destroy this thing, this beautiful thing, that you’re making me into for good.  i would rather let it go than to see it destroy what You’re making me into.  everything you’ve shown me has taught me to value what You’re about to do with my life far above this persistent little burning ember that has such potential to scorch me again.  i’m completely indifferent, yet completely confused and torn by some desire… that i don’t even want at the moment… to choose which side of this dilemma to take.  i’m worn, and my prayers are wearing thin.  i’m worn even before the day begins.  i’m worn, and i’ve lost my will to fight.  i’m worn, so please come and flood my life.  please… i’m on the verge on cynicism, please rescue me from the edge.

“you’re missing something vital from your life, and the sad part is that you have no idea what i’m talking about.  you have an incredible life, and yet you’re alone.  i know you’ve denied yourself the experince of love because you think it must inevitably end in pain and lonliness.  it’s time to let go of the things that prevent you from finding happiness.  you deserve to love someone and be loved in return.” –Jacob… after which i heard You say, “that’s Me talking to you.”

“so as long as i’m setting my sights on what i think is unattainable, there’s no chance of being hurt by someone else.” –Sam, confessing something i knew, but didn’t even wanna admit to myself.

is that why i kept holding onto this idea?  so that i wouldn’t give yet someone else the chance to hurt me?  well then… cut that thread.  just cut that thread right now.  i’m free.  no, no ellipses, i’m free.  period.


lor senona lokwe ilirna…

**nakiuna jae itakeshi ke lor kwedalwen nakiu ur ienglashera hai lor beleona kiufal ke lor selemna alet ene tem nakiu… kokwena kiufal methia?

**this is so important that i’m writing in english because i need someone i can talk to about this… is there someone out there?


so i was listening to Air1, and Brant Hansen’s show was on.  i love Brant, he’s my favorite DJ ever, and i love it that i get to listen to him every day at work. 🙂  i’ve been listeing to his show for the entire time he’s been on Air1, over a year, he and Producer Sherri never fail to make me laugh out loud at least once a show. 🙂  however one day last week, something he said had a totally different effect that i never expected…

anyone who’s been listening to Brant’s show for any length of time would probably know that he’s pretty open about having Asperger’s syndrome.  i didn’t know anything about Asperger’s until just a few years ago when someone told me that the character Sheldon on the show “Big Bang Theory” had Asperger’s, and i had to look it up because i wasn’t familiar with it… or the show, for that matter.  every once in a while, he talks about it, especially when listeners either call in or message him online with questions about living with Asperger’s and how he handles it.  something always struck me as odd about the things he would say… all the things he would cite as symptoms of and problems stemming from Aspergers always made me scratch my head and wonder, “so what?  what’s the matter with that?  there’s nothing wrong with that, i do/think/say/etc. the exact same thing.”  there eventually came a point where i couldn’t help wondering what kinda crackpot doctor tried to tell him that there was anything wrong with him at all because he sounded perfectly normal to me.  people on the radio said the same things about him that people in my life say about me, even using the exact same words to describe him that people in my life use to describe me.  Brant sounded exactly like me… like he just openly is everything i usually do my best to hide about myself because i’m always worried people are gonna think i’m weird… and this started to make me think there was truly nothing wrong with him and that it was just some over-zealous doctor who wanted to feel like a hero and make some kinda diagnosis that raised the odds of someone being on the autism spectrum.

but one day, as i was listening, a lady messaged Brant about her son who has Asperger’s, wanting to know if her son’s refusal to admit to liking girls was an Asperger’s-related thing, and asking if Brant ever did the same when he was younger.  Brant read the message on the air, and went on to explain to this mother that yes, because of his Asperger’s, he was always ridiculously embarrassed to admit to being interested in a girl, and also that it made it near impossible for him to comprehend when a girl was flirting with him.  yet again, i stood there and said, “oh come on, ain’t nothin’ wrong with that, i did the same thing up until my mid-friggin’-twenties… i never ever admitted being interest in guys until Shaiyathon came along, and i can’t say i ever really did figure out that he was flirting with me until he asked me out…”  but then, all of a sudden, i started to wonder…

i wondered, “ya know, it’s really… coincidental?… how every single thing Brant has ever said about Asperger’s over the past year, every single thing every single time, applies to me…” and all of a sudden, all those Asperger’s-relating things that applied to me that had been accumulating for over a year started running back through my head like a DVD on fast-forward, and as they did, my stomach started to sink.  all of a sudden, a thought started to creep into my head.  all of a sudden, i thought something i’d never thought before.  the thought was so strong in my brain that i stopped, turned around, leaned on the work table, and stared straight down into it while the the words just came out of my mouth without even trying, “oh my gosh… i think i might have Asperger’s.”

it suddenly became hard to breathe, and my mind started spinning around in so many directions at once that i stood there for a good 10 minutes just staring into the table, trying so hard to wrap my brain around this thought that i found myself laughing and crying all the same time.  i tried not to let any of these fickle tears escape me in case the boss came back into the room and saw me, but it was no use, one got away.  i had to keep working, but how could i just ignore this psychological cement slab that just blasted into me?  i had to sort this out.

i began to think it would be ok if it was true because all of a sudden i’d have a reason for why i am the way i am, why i’m just so different from everyone else, and why i just can’t seem to get this “being social” thing right, no matter how much i learn or how hard i try.  but then again i thought that i don’t want it to be true because i don’t wanna have to have some excuse for why i am the way i am, and that there’s nothing wrong with being something different from the crowd.  but then again i thought that it would be ok if it was true because then maybe people would stop thinking that i’m just some kind of idiot or mental case for not fitting into the usual idea of social normalcy and that they’d stop pressuring me to do so and just let me be friggin’ me for once.  but then again i thought that i didn’t want it to be true because i don’t want people looking at me with this thing in the back of their minds that’s saying to them, “just let her go, she has Asperger’s,” and thinking that they have to look at me, talk to me, and think of me any differently than they would if i was normal… and having to deal with the stigma of people knowing that there’s something “different” about me and thinking of me as being mentally lesser because of it, despite an IQ tested at 150.  my brain was… and still is… violently torn between accepting it and refusing to accept it.  being unstably employed and having no health insurance, i can’t afford to go to a doctor to find out for sure.  i have no way to find out for sure at this point in my life, just the insurmountable evidence that’s been accumulating in the back of my mind over the past year until it just came crashing painfully down on top of me.

i prayed right then and there at the work table.  i slid down to my elbows on the table, put my head in my hands, and i said to God, “please, You gotta tell me.  do i or don’t i?”  but then as soon as i did, knowing God will tell me the truth, i found my brain going right back to the DVD on fast-forward, with all the pro’s and con’s flipping and flopping back and forth in my mind, and braced myself for another concrete slab.  He answered me… but not with what i expected to hear.  He said, “you don’t want to hear My answer right now.  you don’t want to know because you’re not ready to accept the answer, no matter which one it is.  you don’t want to have Asperger’s because you don’t want to feel like you’re mentally ill nor know other people think you are, but you also don’t want to not have Asperger’s because you don’t want there to be no excuse, or no reason for being what you call ‘strange.’  so you don’t want to hear My answer right now.”  and i knew in my heart that this was exactly true.  then He reminded me about all the people over the years that have told me all the things that are “wrong” with me, all the things that are problems about me, all the things that are abnormal about me that they think needed to be changed, and how they were pressuring me to change these things into what they thought it should be.   then He reminded me of when He said, “do NOT change who I created you to be to fit some image of what someone thinks you should be.  I’ll tell you what needs to change and how to change it, so don’t you change anything for anyone but Me.”

and as i just wrote that last paragraph, another thought is beginning to cross my mind right now:  if this is the case, then does it really matter whether i have Asperger’s or not?  if God created me to be a certain way for a certain purpose… and if you know me, you know exactly what that purpose is and how passionately i’ve been pursuing that purpose ever since i found out what it was… then is Asperger’s really going to make a difference?  as for the purpose God called me to, i say no, but i still can’t get past how it makes all the difference in the world to all the people in my life right now who’ve shown me nothing less than that they’ll never understand, empathize, or even sympathize, and that they’ll attach that negative stigma to me that will just shatter my heart into a million little pieces.

somebody talk to me.  please?  comment and tell me what you think.  i’m inviting you to be brutally honest with me right now: if you suddenly found out that one of your “quirky friends” was so because they had Asperger’s, what would your true opinon of them become at the point of such a revelation?  not the one you want them or the general public to believe you had, but the real one that you know in your heart you have.  what would you think?

seneth enen imerent nerel…

dan… imlor nae ilerer lase kiuset ke lor senitheyer lase… imlor le ilirer olyel sekseneth meri bu u bendel.  lor seilirna ke lor suranma imrel alet hiondel lor senithena lase mekiu.  ent alna sen bendel athriad, kal erent nithena lase sen jenswa dembiad, kal erent beleona dembekemsha… dan rel kwaliad lokwe iment nae ilirer lase.  su.

hai lor arioner irwethonli lokwe nae laseyerwen.  lor ilirerwen tem kona saiwenya lokwe lasena bu bendelsha alna tem lor, kal lor beriader es ilor loreth duhurer hai lor ilirna tem lokwe lor erielthe ur u bendel ento.  wenya nakiu, imlor nae nitheyer ilir tem u falsha bu u bendel, kal u falsha ke nithena u nam anan u dembekem neveri lor senithewen sekseneth al kokwe.  ensima arionwen nakiu, lor faraner lor suraner galendane ilor inersha kal gale langian u beleosha el u falsha.  lor seselemna ilir tem lokwe la mai lasena una alenta ke imlor bel efirna nithe imla faihar hai seyentna tem lor.

aith lor seselemer nidime ilirwen ke la mai ilir ke imla lor emubina kal imla lor nithena ershen, kal lether hale tem laiath inga aletweniath ke lor alna ikaivata el la.  imlor ilir nakiu efirna sek irutha.  gal nae aleter kiuset ke lor seilirer tem… le aleter, “asu?  es keshtu, olan rel aoriel uel la mejaina naela ilor indothen kal iambilna sueinli.”  sen tikoeil ingre neth ilor bivetesha.

elor iambilthe lokwe lasethe.