(just gonna warn you ahead of time, this is a long one… it’s something i prayed a few weeks ago… i hope at least one person makes it to the end and understands so that it will have been worth all the time i put into it.)
so, in that episode of Stargate (7.13, “Grace”)… usually it’s Daniel that’s being me, but this time it was Sam… i essentially watched Jacob and Jack rip my heart out and show it to me so i could see what was really in it, considering i’ve been refusing to admit it. admit what? that i truly, deep down, in the tiniest, lowest, darkest little corner at the very bottom of my heart, haven’t really actually given up on the idea of loving a man who loves me equally in return.
but i feel like i’m supposed to have given up, and i don’t know why. but then it could be that because You’ve been showing me who and what i truly am, and what my purpose has grown to become, that i grabbed onto that last little ember before it completely burned out and tried to bring it back to life solely on some wisp of fleeting confidence. after all the things i let go after the events of the past few years of my life, for some reason that only You know, this is one thing that lingered. after all that’s changed, and so quickly after things began to come back into order, this one seems to have taken the longest.
i admit, here’s my confession: i felt proud of myself for having let it go… allegedly… and i almost bragged about it, especially in front of Seathriel and Yanweriel when they were discussing the subject extensively. and i even have to admit to You that i wanted Yanwerion to hear me say that, “i don’t give a flying hoot,” so that he would know that i wasn’t “one of those girls.” not that i wanted anything to do with him that way, but i just wanted to know that at least one other human knew that this was how i felt and how i thought.
well, You just pulled that ember out of the dark, and i see it clearly now. i confess… it’s still there, still burning, though dying and flickering out. but what i don’t know is what You’re going to do with it. are You going to put it out once and for all, or are You going to bring it back to life and set it burning again? i confess again… i don’t want it to die. there, i said it, i don’t want it to be gone. BUT!! i don’t wanna go through this again. in fact, i refuse. i refuse to put myself out there and be hurt again. i have no reason on Your green earth to believe that i won’t be hurt and rejected again. i’ve never in my life seen love end in anything other than pain, and i’ve never loved without pain in return. and i refuse to do that again. now i’m not trying to be sacrilegious or disrespectful towards You in any way, but if You can’t guarantee me that bringing it back to life will not burn me, then i want You to put it out. and at this point, i already know i’ll be hurt either way, so it doesn’t matter.
i’m asking You now, please… i’m worn. i’m jaded. i’m scarred. i’m calloused. and if i have to be hurt one more time, i’ll be dead. and i don’t wanna die. not again. i died once already, and if i have to die again, i’m afraid that i’m not gonna come back this time. i’ve seen what You’re making of me, and i want it more than anything… even this… and if this has to go by the wayside so that i can be what You showed me i’ll be, then so be it. wow. words i’d never have imagined in a million years that i’d hear myself say. but i’m not who i used to be. and who i am now means it with everything in me. please, i beg of You… either make it work or make it end. please, make a way or take it away… because i’m done. i’m through. it’s gotta work or it’s over.
i feel You removing the jade and breaking away the callouses that came back with me… but i fear that if you leave me to die again, it won’t come off next time, and it will destroy this thing, this beautiful thing, that you’re making me into for good. i would rather let it go than to see it destroy what You’re making me into. everything you’ve shown me has taught me to value what You’re about to do with my life far above this persistent little burning ember that has such potential to scorch me again. i’m completely indifferent, yet completely confused and torn by some desire… that i don’t even want at the moment… to choose which side of this dilemma to take. i’m worn, and my prayers are wearing thin. i’m worn even before the day begins. i’m worn, and i’ve lost my will to fight. i’m worn, so please come and flood my life. please… i’m on the verge on cynicism, please rescue me from the edge.
“you’re missing something vital from your life, and the sad part is that you have no idea what i’m talking about. you have an incredible life, and yet you’re alone. i know you’ve denied yourself the experince of love because you think it must inevitably end in pain and lonliness. it’s time to let go of the things that prevent you from finding happiness. you deserve to love someone and be loved in return.” –Jacob… after which i heard You say, “that’s Me talking to you.”
“so as long as i’m setting my sights on what i think is unattainable, there’s no chance of being hurt by someone else.” –Sam, confessing something i knew, but didn’t even wanna admit to myself.
is that why i kept holding onto this idea? so that i wouldn’t give yet someone else the chance to hurt me? well then… cut that thread. just cut that thread right now. i’m free. no, no ellipses, i’m free. period.